Don't forget to be the way you are.

I have not given up. I did, however, forget to take into account my occasionally volatile mental state, impromptu open mic nights and the high comfort levels that my bed provide, amongst other things.

I saw my senior tutor on Thursday. Her once reassuring claims of "Don't worry, I will get you into university" are no longer so reassuring; I wasn't buying it. She did say that I could be scratched from the exam if it came down to it, though, so, despite the copious number of tears shed from my eye-sockets, at least something small came out of it. No staying on at King Ed's though. No, sirree. I have no idea what the next year holds for me.

The hardest thing about creative writing for me (well, aside from the self-doubt) is the feeling that I'm trying too hard . I don't want to be like Anthony Kiedis' most recent attempts at lyricism. This genius can be found in such songs as Death of a Martian - either I'm missing something beautiful or that man comes up with a bunch of tosh. I was happy with him singing about sex and girls and camaraderie and Hillel Slovak.

Sorry, slight what-the-Hell-happened-to-the-Red-Hot-Chili-Peppers? tangent there. Back to the point. My vocabulary is pretty decent and Dictionary.com is probably one of my most-visited websites (I probably shouldn't broadcast that I take such a keen interest in learning new words and exact definitions of words I already know) but I still feel slightly false when I use more concise yet more obscure words to convey a point. It feels a little self-indulgent and I'm aware that I could sound pretentious.

Perhaps I just need to stop over-thinking everything.


Sexy: Compassion. Vegetarians and vegans in particular get Brownie points with me.
Unsexy: Men who shout often obscene things at me from their cars. I don't know what they expect to achieve. Perhaps they hope that one day I will turn around and scream "TAKE ME NOW!"

You're something beautiful; a contradiction.

I may or may not have just left this until the last minute. I may also have a Psychology mock in the morning, and the aformentioned Biology essay (that I didn't do this morning after all) is in tomorrow, too.

I watched a film yesterday called Awakenings. Some of the people in it were living in catatonic states and had been for the majority of their lives - 20 years plus - when a doctor finds a drug that brings them back to consciousness and reality. One of the ex-catatonic guys keeps saying how nobody appreciates the little things; that we take so, so much for granted. He's right. It's hard to really appreciate certain things if you've never experienced it being taken away from you, I guess, but I try to make a conscious effort with my health in particular to appreciate my good fortune. The fact that I woke up this morning feeling okay is something I should be grateful for. I have no major health issues and I can walk and see and interact with people. I think it's something everybody needs to pay a little more attention to. You don't notice good health until it's gone, but when it is, boy, will you notice it.

I need to start job-hunting. I figure if I write that here, I may feel more of a responsibility to actually make an effort - reporting back with 'I couldn't be bothered after all' is not something I wish to do. I have absolutely no idea how to write a CV, and most places ask for people with experience, but I'm willing to give it a go.

I talk to my senior tutor about what my options are tomorrow. With only 2 A-levels, I can't get into any of the universities that I want. I'm hoping that she'll perform one of her sorting-things-out-for-me miracles and helps me out of this sticky spot I've landed myself in. If not, I don't know what I'll do with myself; probably have a quarter life-crisis.

I think I'm going to go get an early night and revise in the morning for that test. Sorry for slacking and producing boring blog posts. I'll work on it.

Good night.


Sexy: Geeks.
Unsexy: The way that the guys of Kidderminster insist on walking around topless at the first sign of sun.


Days 'til my birthday: 21.

Reaching for the sky while laying in a gutter.

People are so confrontational. Certain areas of the town I live in are notorious for being places where people just want to fight. They drink all day, fight all night. How can that lifestyle be appealing? An old friend of mine updated his Facebook status the other day saying how he was going to go out with the intention of "battering someone for jokes". Somebody told him that "for jokes" is not a justifiable reason to hurt somebody, to which he replied "I'll find a reason." I just can't fathom it. Even if I wasn't an utter pansy, I wouldn't go around hitting people or provoking them. What kind of person do you have to be to get your jollies from putting people in hospital?

I secretly applied for a Summer job at the hospital pharmacy. I was hoping that I could randomly say in this blog 'By the way, I got a job!', but I guess not - I got rejected. I can't say I'm too surprised but I may be a little bitter.

College was (unintentionally) forsaken yesterday for extra sleep. My body thanked me but my Chemistry teacher will not, and I have to go face her wrath later on followed by a mock exam that is sure to destroy my soul. I want to drop that damn subject! I have an appointment tomorrow with my senior tutor in which I am likely to break down crying, begging her to let me drop it for the sake of my mental health. Once again, I'll let you know how that goes.

I should go get food, write an essay on how things get in and out of cells, and then drag myself to college; so I bid you adieu.


Sexy: Spontaneity.
Unsexy: Madonna in those leotards she insists on wearing. How old is she now? 50? Enough said.


Days 'til my birthday: 22.

What do you feel before you think?

I was going to go off on a rant about how university should be for the able, not just the rich; an entitlement, not a privilege. Many universities in England and Wales want tuition fees to be raised, and pretty significantly at that (between £4000 and £20,000 per year), which is bad news for the majority of students, and especially for those from low-income families like me. However, I'll spare you the rant, step down from my soap box and instead give you a link to the government petition opposing these raises. Thank goodness I'm looking at Scottish universities, eh? Speaking of which (I say that too much), I accepted Edinburgh as my firm university and Glasgow as my insurance last night. Despite the fact I have no intention of going to university this year, I should keep my options open.

I used to be able to draw. Actually, I'm going to modify that statement and instead say that I used to be able to draw pre-existing things; in particular, photographs. Asked to draw a bowl of fruit or a scene and I would have been hopeless. Asked to draw something from my imagination and the proportions would have been all over the place, resulting in an unidentifiable, child-like scribble. Put a photo of a person's face in front of me, though, and I would've been able to come up with something that actually resembled that photo, and pretty darn closely, too.

You'll notice that I'm talking in the past tense. The last decent picture produced by these digits was in late 2004/early 2005. Perfectionism got the best of me. I can only imagine what my skills would be like now if I'd have carried on. Sylvia Plath was right when she said that 'The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.' That self-doubt is still with me now. I need to escape it.

The UK's first annual Veggie Pride event takes place 12 days from now in Birmingham (Victoria Square, 10am - 6pm on the 16th May for anybody who's interested). Think Gay Pride but with less meat (?) Haha. I'll admit, the vegan food is what lured me in (vegan fish and chips!) - I'm a fat person in a thin(nish) person's body. The promise of music, jugglers, poets, clowns and dancers didn't hurt, either.

I want to get my face painted while I'm there. Any suggestions for what I should get done? Be creative! Let's give the face painter a challenge.


Sexy: Scottish accents. I used to pretty much abhor them, but they've grown on me. Probably a good thing considering my university choices.
Unsexy: Guys who wear way too much aftershave, especially if it has that Lynx-esque 'man smell', as I call it.


Days 'til my birthday: 23.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.

I find it hard to believe that I will turn 18 this month.

I don't feel like I'm 18 (then again, what does 18 feel like, anyway?) but at the same time, I never did feel like a child either. I spent a Hell of a lot of my time in the company of adults as I grew up, around musicians and at shows, and I was treated as if I was an adult. I feel no different now to how I did then. Perhaps my liver will suffer from my ability to purchase alcohol, and maybe I'll be forced to learn something about politics in order to make an informed choice with my vote, but overall, legal adulthood is likely to feel just like legal childhood did.

I said I might talk about why I'm vegan today, but I'm going to have to save it for another night if I want to get this thing posted up before 10pm.

I've been avoiding that job thing everyone seems to do for my entire life. However, I am currently not so well-off. Am I going to have to bite the bullet? I have about 2 more weeks of EMA to get me by, and that's it. £60 for the rest of my Summer (and that's if I manage to turn up every day). Meep.

Speaking of Summer; every year, people seem to say "Summer 200_ is going to be the best Summer yet!" or something in a similar vain. It usually makes me quietly laugh to myself because, let's face it, it's usually no better than last year or the year before. I think that this year will be different. I hope that this year will be different. People are spreading out across the country in pursuit of higher education and we're not going to be able to see each other so much anymore. I find that saddening. Money or no, I intend on trying to make this Summer one worth remembering. Who's with me? :)


Sexy: Guys who can play an instrument. It's cliché but it is most certainly true.
Unsexy: Middle-aged guys in flashy sports cars who think that this earns them the label of 'cool'. Gumball 3000 started this weekend, and with that comes an influx of the above.


Days 'til my birthday: 24.

Fault lines should be worn with pride.

I made the mistake of agreeing to watch a movie with my Dad ('Yes, Man', for anybody who's interested), and I'm apparently very distractable. I blame that for my late posting, but hey, it's before midnight so it counts!

The number of views I got on MySpace was more than I ever expected, so thank you to anybody that is reading this and especially to those who commented last time around. It made my day and gave me motivation to carry on. My friends are wonderful!

When I mentioned in the last blog that I need to find a new path to trudge down now, that doesn't mean I'm giving up on my hopes and dreams. My step-Mom used to say that there's always a way around things, even if they're not as convenient or as easy as you'd like, and for the majority of situations I agree. I'm still going to go to university. I just have to work a little bit harder and for a little bit longer to do so.

If you could have any three wishes, what would they be? You know, the whole Genie shebang. I was thinking about this earlier and I realised that I would 'spend' my wishes on other people. Not too long ago, I would probably have wished for things like good opportunities for myself. I don't know what changed. There are three people in particular who would benefit from my wishes more than I would, and my wishes would go to them. Perhaps that's selfish. Perhaps I should spend my wishes on curing disease or ending war or poverty - things that would benefit a greater number of people. Now that I think about it, for the whole world to be vegan would be pretty darn great, haha, but I wouldn't hesitate in making things better for these three people.

How about you? What would you spend your wishes on?

Sorry that this is a short one. I'll work on something better for tomorrow. Perhaps I'll explain why I'm vegan.

Sexy: People who make an effort to use good spelling and/or grammar.
Unsexy: Excessively muscley men. How could anybody find this or this attractive? Shudder.

Days 'til my birthday: 25.

Do you know your enemy?

In my perpetual search for ways in which to procrastinate, I stumbled across the following question: 'Will tomorrow be better than today?' I was greeted with a tumbleweed bumbling its way through my neural pathways. 'How am I supposed to know?!' I thought. But that's just it, isn't it? I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and there's no way I ever could. The conclusion I ultimately arrived at is that no matter how bad today might have been, tomorrow has the potential for being so much better. I've always struggled with my outlook on life, regularly shifting between optimist, pessimist and occasionally erring on the side of apathetic, cantankerous git, but thinking that tomorrow is going to be just as bad as today is quite probably self-fulfilling. I think it's that time of year where I perform a little bit of cognitive-behavioural therapy on myself and attempt to change my outlook on life. Optimism, here we come! In keeping with that theme, today is awesome because of friendship.

Chemistry, however, is not awesome. It has officially defeated me. I'm waving the white flag of failure. I give up. I've struggled through two years of the blasted subject and, weeks before the final exams, I throw in my battered towel. There is no way on Earth that I will pass at a standard high enough to get me into university, so I have to consider new paths to trudge down now. I'll let you know how that goes.

In an attempt to have some structure in these things, I will end every blog with something sexy and something unsexy. No, that does not mean you get pictures of me in my underwear (I'll leave it up to you to decide which category that belongs to).


Sexy: Dr. Gregory House. Dr. Cox, too, while we're on the subject. Logically, they should be repulsive yet both of them ooze sex. Don't deny it, ladies. Le swoon.
Unsexy: Trying way too hard to be the centre of attention. You're just making a fool of yourself. Stop.


P.S. I GOT TICKETS TO SEE GREEN DAY IN OCTOBER. SQUEE.
P.P.S. I encourage you to comment :)